confused

I don't know why when everything goes smooth...my mind just fucks it up is it because that I am not deserving of anything?is it because I don't feel good enough about myself..why..when I was young I had fear of missing out on things so I went and corrected myself I just..you know whenever I feel like doing anything they never pick my calls or when one of them does they are busy.. I tried to make myself understand that I can't control them I can't do shit.. remember when you are feeling low and you want someone to kind of be with you but you can't just call someone up cause you know what their response is gonna be like.. believe me when ever I see someone doing so much I know they don't wanna be invested in me.. like I don't know why I feel like I don't have anyone..when did it all start I kept doing things.. I Guess the fear that people will not like me I would want to change myself more..no don't get me wrong I have friends really good friends but none of them are ever gonna be with me when I want to be with them.. I like spending time doing things but it just that seperation has made it even harder I wanna be the what I think I am but I can't..why? So even the answer to the greatest question of the world is unknown.. whenever I feel low I literally have no one to talk to me.. I mean I am a good person I do things people will like.. I do things so that they will like me but no I guess it's my fault that I try to please everyone I ever meet..why can't anyone feel what I am feeling I know it's not a movie but don't you ever want to be just like the perfect version of you..no their happiness doesn't kill me it's just that just for once I wanna feel real great I really want to know what it's like to be everybody's favourite what it's like to be with someone who gives a shit about you and never actually blows you off. I really want to know what is it that people don't like about me what is it that they understand about me what is it in me that make them feel that I am not enough. what is it about me that make them want to hate me what is it about me?why my cries are unheard
Why do I get Birthday blues
Why they don't understand
What do I feel
What is it about me
Like I really want to be happy
I really want to have mood swings
Like others
Cause I know that they will never
Ever want me

I am scared to say what I feel
I have no one to be around me
Even if I am there for them
They don't wanna be with me
What is it about me
Why do people can't feel what
I feel
..why my grass is not green
The nights keep me awake
And I have no one to turn for comfort..

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